my gay deceiver

I just found out my ex is moving back to Chicago...

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you
"Portions for Foxes" Rilo Kiley (click to listen)


L
so, you are moving back here, again...I wish you wouldn't...it's less confusing when you live far away and call me randomly when you are lonely and want something familiar...yeah, I'm crying as I type this...and, I know it hurts you when you do that to me...and, yet, I know you secretly enjoy seeing a physical reaction of how deep my feelings run for you...I want to be so happy for you because you have come so far in finding your personal happiness...you never believed me when I told you that it was possible without me or anyone else...but, I'm getting selfish...I need to do the same for me...and, I'm afraid that I'll hurt you and myself in the process...I know you love me more than anyone else in your life...and, I earned that trust...and, with this, I don't want to throw that respect away...but, I need something that I've always denied myself (and, you do the same...I think that is why we fell together)...I want to be passionate...I want to give my heart freely, my emotions openly and risk having someone say "I love you" while kissing me softly...you gave me something that I never asked for and I will always be grateful...you taught me that I can love unconditionally...trust...understand deeply...but, mostly, accept someone else into my personal world...that I'm not meant to be an unemotional hermit...but, I don't think I can do it with you...I think we are interpreting our past as proof for the future...our biggest hurt was together...our happiest/weakest moments were together...our ugliest/most beautiful faces were towards each other...our most hateful/loving words were for one another...I will always look at you with love...I will never abandon you...I will always respect you...and, I will never intentionally hurt you...I'm so sorry...
B

I just need to hear that I can do this...

this post was written a few days ago when I got the text message asking me to pick him up from the airport in two weeks...last night, I went drinking after work (magically, I've kicked my cold's ass pretty quickly)...the conversation was crazy and wonderfully twisted and all over the map of human history...and, in the moment of looking around at the amazing people I'm growing tighter/falling in love with, I realized that everything is going to be alright...actually, it's gonna be wicked fucking awesome...I'm all good now...